Recovery from Spiritual Abuse
How You Can Help

By Sharon Hilderbrant, M.A.

Recently, I have read two new books that describe in detail the abusive behavior of various churches and the effects of this abuse on church members. Churches That Abuse, by Ron Enroth, and Damaged Disciples (in press), by Ron and Vicki Burks, both published by Zondervan, relate stories that may be hard for some Christians to believe. Those of us who work with the victims, however, know the stories are true.

Churches on the fringe exist in every major metropolitan area as well as in small towns and isolated rural areas. Some are large, "mega-church" organizations, while some may be small house-church gatherings. Most of them look fairly normal to outsiders. That is, until abused persons begin to leave and tell of their experiences.

Getting out of the group is only the beginning of recovery. Recovery involves, according to one survivor, getting "the group out of us." The effects of abuse are long-standing. The following outlines how Christians can help the spiritually abused in their recovery.

Trust:
Most survivors will have much trouble trusting. Anyone. Especially churches. A support system is desperately needed, but survivors will have difficulty approaching. Help with material needs (housing, job, food, etc.) is usually much appreciated. Social support via invitations to events or dinner, or just a conversation about something other than church or religious issues is very much needed.

Therefore, a safe place for confidentiality, a place to be relaxed without expectations of appearances or performance, a place to connect with another caring person (or persons) without becoming too involved in private lives, is needed. A dysfunctional don’t trust rule was present in the system, by teaching, by practice, or both. Don’t push for trust. Don’t push the recovery process. Respect their boundaries.

Talk:
Survivors need to tell their story. So they will remember it themselves, and not deny any part of it. So they can be validated by others who believe them. So they can use the truth to dispel the deceptions of the past and discern deception in the future. The dysfunctional system no doubt had a don’t talk rule by practice—but probably spiritualized and cloaked in scripture as well. The don’t talk rule serves to hide a myriad of the leaders’ sins.

Emotion:
It is normal for anyone who has been victimized and abused to feel intense emotions. The longer the survivors had to endure abuse without an outlet for emotions, the longer it will take for them to experience the full range of emotions about it. Depression and anxiety are common masks for other emotions.

Too much intellectualizing may inhibit the survivor from getting in touch with his or her emotions. Fear, guilt, anger, grief, rage, sorrow—all must be felt and expressed in their own time. An overspiritualizing of emotions may have been present in the dysfunctional system, with certain emotions demanded and others condemned by a twisting of scripture. The result is a don’t feel your real feelings rule.

Truth:
Encourage survivors to talk about what happened to them. Listen. Empathize. Offer words that may describe what the person is feeling, since they may not be able to identify it themselves at first. Limit feedback and comments to supportive statements. Keep confidentiality. Be trustworthy.

Who am I?
Survivors typically do not know who they are anymore. They lost themselves in the church/cult. They need to know they are lovable. Count them as equal to yourself—not less just because they are needy. Assure them they do not have to be perfect. Accept them as they are. Encourage them. Build confidence, offer choices. Allow them to have strengths and weaknesses.

They need to know that they are not evil or possessed, not crazy, not shameful. They need to know that they are not powerless and that they can recover and grow beyond this experience. Don’t make decisions for them and don’t try to fix them. Let them know you speak for yourself. Be careful of speaking for God. Tell them recovery takes a long time—2 to 4 years, or longer.

What about the group?
It is critical that survivors know that God is not the group. Leaving the group is not equivalent to leaving God. They must hear that no group has exclusive truth, or is the elite, or is especially anointed over another for ministry of the gospel. (It is the gospel that is anointed!)

They also need to recognize that group leaders actually deceived people, used and abused people, twisted scripture, and fostered co-dependent and/or addictive behaviors (perhaps immoral behavior, too) among members. Be gentle as you interpret what was hurtful and wrong in the group. Remember, they probably have left behind some people that are still dear to their hearts and do not wish to blame them. Information about co-dependency and dysfunctional families and other institutions at this stage may be helpful in confronting denial. Save Bible reading until the individual is ready to grapple with it in small doses.

What is God really like?
Just as survivors lost themselves in the group, so did they lose reality about who God is. They need to have grace explained in depth and to examine God’s attributes carefully. The long process of recovery involves continually uncovering misrepresentations of God conveyed by the words and behavior of group leaders, parents and other authority figures.

Survivors will need to be reminded again and again of the true attributes of God and the principle of grace. Be genuine. Be personal. Explain how scripture helps you to understand God’s attributes. If you have received grace, you can speak confidently about it. Tell what you love about God.

God’s people:
To become reconciled to God requires reconciliation with God’s people. Many who begin to trust God again have much more difficulty trusting people in any church. It helps to confront the truth about God’s people with statements similar to the following:

• Leaders are not more favored by God over others in the church.
• All struggle spiritually, even leaders.
• All are in various stages of growth (no instant spirituality).
• All make mistakes, none are infallible.
• All can learn to hear God’s voice for themselves—no need to remain spiritual children who must submit to parental leaders.
• All need each other—none are needless.
• All have something to give and are valuable to God.
• All—leaders and lay persons—are called to live by the same standards.
• All need to have their own relationship with God apart from the involvement of other believers—including spouses.
• The church is not just one building or one gathering, but believers everywhere.

Be honest:
Be honest about yourself and your own church. Admit your own inability to have all the answers. The truth will not hinder their relationship with God. Remember it is the Holy Spirit’s job to draw them to Himself. Your admission of struggle may help them to learn to struggle and not give up.

Going to church:
Survivors may need help working through memories and emotions triggered by going to church. Continually point them to God Himself. It is not God who has violated them, but people—some well-intended and some deceptive. Help survivors to see that Christians are individuals—imperfect—not to be put on pedestals, but to share in the struggles and the benefits of the Christian faith.

Help them to recognize the distorted thinking—about themselves, about God, etc.—that accompanies traumatic reactions. This is a good time to use the safety and authority of scripture to confront the deception created by the group, and to soothe and console. A trained counselor may be needed for this part of recovery.

Untwisting Scripture:
All survivors will need help working through memories and feelings triggered by scripture. Scripture was twisted to the advantage of the group or its leaders. True meanings of Scripture are healing and give life. Untwisting takes much work. Make no assumptions of what they know or understand. Challenge every concept, all usage of jargon and Bible language for clarification of what it means to them. They may assume you know their understanding of a phrase, as if there is only one way to interpret it. Respect their spiritual boundaries. Be sure they are ready to grapple with scripture. (It is normal to avoid reading the Bible at all for 12-18 months or more.)

Conclusion:
The recovery process I have just outlined takes a long time. One-on-one support is a long-term commitment. More helpful is a group support system, where all are assisting survivors in various aspects. Create a network of Christians who will assist with material needs, who will provide financial assistance to attend community events (or a couples’ weekend, or a family camp) for rest and recreation, who will assist with filling out tax forms, or who will advise on how to buy a good used car.

Help them obtain medical care or tutor their children to bring them up to grade level. Provide information that will help them learn (or re-learn) how to function, without fear or shame, in the larger society. Lend them self-help books to read. Help with professional counseling as needed. Be available as a friend in a small group of friends. (Isn’t that how Jesus would do it?)*

*used by permission

The Five Warning Signs Of Religious Abuse

1) Unchecked Authoritarian Leadership

The first danger sign of a possibly unsound church, Enroth explains, can be seen through a high-handed exhibition of its leadership's authority, which often appears unnervingly legitimate. "Spiritual abuse can take place in the context of doctrinally sound, Bible preaching, fundamental, conservative Christianity. All that is needed for abuse is a pastor accountable to no one and therefore beyond confrontation. .. Authoritarian leaders are ecclesiastical loners. That is, they do not function well or willingly in the context of systematic checks or balances. They are fiercely independent and refuse to be part of a structure of accountability. To put it crudely, they operate a one-man (or one-woman) spiritual show. And God help the person who gets in the way or makes waves."

He continues: "Yes, sometimes they will point to a board of elders or its equivalent, but more likely than not, this turns out to be a faithful inner circle of clones that implicitly accepts all that the leader sets forth. .. Abusive pastors often come from troubled backgrounds and are very insecure persons despite the 'take charge' image they may project. They are power hungry people who crave visibility. Leaders who inflict spiritual violence often hide behind the smoke screen of authority to gain power."  (pp. 203, 217, 219 of Churches That Abuse). It is important to understand that religiously abusive church leadership is most visible when it demands public and private attention to be given to the authority and control over the flock by the pastor. Often, in aberrant churches, this is not an easy thing to discern, and yet, it is frequently it is one of the danger signs that are too easily overlooked. Such leaders will seem too quick to chastise members, often in harsh forums of public rebuke.

2) Imbalanced Congregational Life

Secondly, the congregation's social characteristics provide danger signals as well. Enroth points out that "membership of authoritarian churches is frequently comprised of young, spiritually immature Christians. This kind of church is successful because it is meeting basic human needs - the need to belong, the need to be affirmed, to be accepted and to be part of a family. It is not unusual for the leaders to assume the role of surrogate parents, especially for those young adults who come from dysfunctional family backgrounds" (p. 216). It is just this sort of yearning need and sincere zeal that the aberrant church pastor uses to exploit his flock through manipulative control. Mr. Enroth explains that abusive church leaders "foster an unhealthy form of dependency, spiritually and otherwise, by focusing on themes of submission and obedience to those in authority. They create the impression that people just aren't going to find their way through life's maze without a lot of firm directives from those at the top" (p. 217).

These firm directives are fleshed out in a demanding lifestyle rigidity that is actually a form of controlling and abusive legalism. A black and white view of the world is the mentality that is created in the minds of the abusive church's congregation. Do's and don'ts found in church-supplied codes of conduct are taken so seriously that they have a stifling effect upon the spiritual liberty that Christians should enjoy and impose a dangerously controlling conformity upon the congregation. A major component of such control is the usage of unspoken expectations: moral directives that everyone in the group knows are "the law", the way "things are", but which are never explicitly spelled out until one haplessly breaks one of them. It is then that punishment or sanctions are imposed.

3)  Conscious Threats Of Discipline And Disfellowshipping

"Another sign of impending trouble in a church is an obsession with discipline and excommunication. Beware of churches that warn of certain doom if you leave their 'covering,' or if you 'break covenant.' Once banished from the group, little compassion is shown the wayward one." Again and again, it has been observed that former members of aberrant churches, when contemplating leaving the group, were issued dire warnings that they were backsliding, compromising and facing judgment from God. Church members who are seen as stepping out of line will find themselves being shunned or criticized by the so-called "true believers" in public, and will usually face much harsher treatment in the larger abusive church congregation. Demeaning public rebuke, even ridicule from the pulpit is one means of religious abuse disguised as "discipline."

But more often such power ploys are extended across the congregation or congregations in question through even subtler and indirect ways. As a means of preemptive control, the public teachings and private social life are regularly used to deliver indirect, yet unmistakable hints to potential "troublemakers" and the membership at large that one could never gain the same depth of spiritual truth anywhere else. Only among the group could true insights into life be found, the real interpretation of the Bible be discovered, the closest and deepest fellowship be experienced. With such carrots dangled on such long sticks for all to see, the reinforcement of the group's exclusivism is accomplished, making the fear of exclusion from such a group so close to the "ultimate truth" an ultimate horror to be avoided at all costs.

4) Deliberate Disruption Of Personal Relationships

A fourth sign of aberrance in a church is when the church encourages complete isolation or strong distancing of it's membership from family and friends not involved in the group. Enroth observes that even family relationships within the group become severely disrupted and strained, since the demands for attention to be given to the "spiritual family" become all important. Parental and marital bonds may be strained or shattered over the need for individual family members to more fully identified with the church group, and non-member relations outside of the group are often stunned at how cold and distant their once loving family members became when they "got religious." The abusive church's "spiritual family" then appear to become the recipients of the warm family ties and affections that group members have withdrawn from their own family.

This is one of the most heartbreaking and shattering consequences of religious abuse dispensed by aberrant churches. We know of many, many people who have suffered unspeakably agonizing losses of their marriages, children and parents at the behest of abusive group leaders who deemed their members' relationships with them far too spiritually polluting, smothering and destructive. A marriage of twenty years was abruptly ended by a divorce initiated by the pressures placed upon the couple by an abusive church through its leadership, simply because the husband left the Polk County "church" where both he and his wife were members. Such unbelievable occurrences are all too frequent and too real to ignore.

5) Withdrawal And Isolation From The "Outside"

Enroth goes on to say that another sign of abusive behavior in a church is it's tendency towards isolation from other churches. There is a conscious effort to limit input and contact with thoughts and ideas from outside the church's own circle. This is what is known as "information control" and is a crucial element of what is known as mind control. "Beware of the church, " he writes, "where outside speakers are consistently denied access to the pulpit, and where other Christian churches are regularly denounced, belittled or ridiculed." News events, local happenings, and even personal events are reinterpreted by the church leadership in such a way so as to lead the congregation to see the world as they wish it to be perceived. Bible verses are misquoted as divine sanction for these actions, citing the need to be separate from the doomed and satanic world order outside of the group's domain.

This contributes to the construction of a completely sealed society of people who effectively shut out the world from among them, even though they may continue to move within it. Newspapers, television programming, and even ordinary social interaction with other members of the larger culture become strongly discouraged. The issue goes way beyond a pious avoidance of tempting imagery and thought but actually is a means to stifle and control the thoughts, consciences and spiritual autonomy of the individual member. This marks the final terrifying descent of a group of zealous Christians under the leadership of manipulative leaders into a horrific deception and legalistic bondage, from which it is then almost virtually indistinguishable from outright cultism. Such groups do exist here, in the "Bible belt" and have wrought untold amounts of spiritual havoc in too many lives. 

Spiritual abuse is one of the dark secrets of the Tennessee Valley, a serious problem that for too long has remained overlooked, ignored, and neglected by much of the Body of Christ. Abuse in the name of the one true God who is the embodiment of love and grace is certainly one of the great tragedies of our time that have both broken His loving heart and aroused His wrath upon the false shepherds who have savaged his flock. The Gospel of Jesus Christ can never be served or proclaimed where fear, coercion, and outright spiritual trauma is inflicted. Only the cause of religious tyranny and megalomania is advanced. It is our prayerful hope that this brief overview can help you avoid such pitfalls.

Rafael Martinez, Director, Spiritwatch Ministries, based on Ron Enroth's book Churches That Abuse (Zondervan).